The hint of perfume, coming home late from work, the sudden distance, the fears of many in committed relationships stem from the telltale signs of infidelity. Whether it be 2 months into a college fling or 10 years into a marriage, humans everywhere have time and time again proven that intimate temptations can often be succumbed to. Alfred Kinsey, famous for pioneering human sexual nature research, found that infidelity is widespread (yet hard to measure) at 27% to 72%. There is no question that cheating is prevalent in our society; the question instead often revolves around the tendency of repetition.
“Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Many find comfort in this mantra, and for good reason. Discovering a partner has been unfaithful can be an incredibly traumatic event. Trust is broken, beloved memories suddenly tainted with doubt and remorse, “did they ever really love me?” The fury of betrayal can easily be channeled into an ideology that infidelity is a condition, an addiction, that once one goes down that road there is no coming back.
“…people in monogamous relationships have to be willing to meet me a quarter of the way and acknowledge the drawbacks of monogamy around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted.”
Dan Savage, an LGBT activist and author was quoted during an interview with the New York Times in an op-ed on monogamy. He claims that innately, humans are not a monogamous species, and that most cases of infidelity stem from inequality from the satisfaction both parties feel towards their romantic, and more commonly their sexual lives. While he addresses the importance of being honest with ones partner, and even potentially inviting the partner in to participate in group sex, he does not touch upon the likelihood of repeat offenses. Being a gay man, he acknowledges that the acceptance and frequency of these “monogamish” relationships as he calls them are greater in the LGBT community.
In relationships where it is an unacceptable practice, which are certainly the majority, some argue that the factors that arise after the act of infidelity are enough to deter repetition. Tammy Nelson, a marriage counselor, told the Huffington post that most who claim “always a cheater” have, “never gone to bed at night staring at the ceiling, wishing there was anything you could do to take back the hurt you’ve inflicted on your partner. If they had, they would perhaps not be so self-righteous in their judgment.”
It is a valid point when the assumption of guilt is present. There are of course those who act purely on instinct and desire with no regard for their partners feelings, however just like sexual desire, guilt is a powerful and widespread emotion that most feel.
Infidelity is a difficult topic to objectively measure, and the emotions that come with it even more so. So much is dependent on the relationship and those involved, and living in a society slowly more accepting of an ever growing range of sexuality, ever shifting concepts of love and desire, it’s impossible to generalize.
It depends on each individual if there will be a repeat of this action. Many people will stop seeing the cheater as a way to protect themselves from more hurt, while ome will stay and try to work through the pain.
However, it is up to the people involved if staying or leaving will be the right answer, and with couple’s therapy and rebuilding the love and romance, many marraiges or relationships will recover. What is possible is to say that it is never as simple as “always a cheater, always a cheater.”
