NOTE: This is a satire article. The STAR Editorial Board does not support continuing Institutionalized Racism and Dismantling Universities.
1. Divide your community by race, gender, and class, aligning with the U.S. presidential administration
Cut any classes that mention or discuss any histories of marginalized groups. If there are any radical ethnic studies class, make sure to combine and consolidate. Not discriminate, combine and consolidate!
If the white student population is not affected by the cuts to marginalized groups, ensure, by any means possible, that they do not discover or stumble across class solidarity. Increase culture-war discussion on campus. Do not mention tuition increase. Only mention working class if it’s to re-inforce status quo ideals in a metaphor.
Make sure to advertise your school as a Hispanic-serving institution, while putting no resources into justifying that title. Capitalize on identity politics until it is no longer profitable/reputable as an institution to do so.
If you are in a position of leadership and belonging to a marginalized group, capitalize off your identity by being the voice of that group. Since you have sacrificed everything to get here, ensure that no one else can. Maintain status quo. Repeat.
2. Have administrative leaders removed from any real working class student experiences.
Have closed-door meetings on the top floor of the University, weekly. If meetings are public, only allow communication through allotted time slots that either require taking time off work to attend, or a stable internet connection to connect to. Bonus points for cutting off people on the mic for decorum.
Try to relate as best you can to the poors. If you came from a working-class background, exploit utilize that. Refer to section 1 section of the handbook, Divide your community by race, gender, and class.
Do not use egg price inflation analogy. Instead, simply say “Prices In the 90s”
3. If any questions are asked on the billions of dollars in CSU reserves, re-direct, and remind the audience of the danger of communist thinking. Mention Mao. If for some reason students keep asking about the CSU reserves (they should really stop doing that), redirect again at all means possible.
Hoard state and tuition dollars remembering that credit rating agencies reward greater accumulation of cash and investments with higher credit scores. This allows universities to borrow more money. Again, do not mention this.
4. Cut all sports programs, and point to lower enrollment despite having similar enrollment numbers in the past.
This gives you a talking point to counter the ideal that this is some “Fascist” takeover of the arts and humanities.
This also stops upward class mobility occurring for a large portion of Northern California. Make sure to notify affected students that their chances of upward mobility may be limited this semester. Again, do this all by email. See section 2 of the handbook for more information; Have administrative leaders removed from any real working class student experiences.
5. Don’t mention that your university is one of the whitest institutions of the CSU. More importantly, do not personally think why those numbers are like that.
Don’t mention the fact that the CSU System Gives More Money to Campuses With a Larger White Population
6. Attack the Arts and Humanities to prevent Communist- and hive-mind-like thinking
Don’t call the classes woke and gay. It is unpopular for this area to do so (for now). Instead, activate sympathy. Do not activate empathy. Refer to your supervisor if you are unable to create this emotion. If you are unable to create either emotion, please email your department supervisor for a possible promotion or salary raise.
Cut all classes related to the arts. If asked why they are cut, say it had to be done due to economic reasons. Again, do not mention the reserves.
Cut Women’s and Gender Studies. There’s probably no ramifications for this, historically, whatsoever.
Note: All new office paintings are to be A.I painted only and will be installed by new, definitely not scab workers. This is to highlight the productivity of Sonoma County’s new beautiful workforce.
7. When discussing budget cuts, only talk in financial terms.
Mention shareholders
Listen to examples of personal, heartfelt stories, and say something like, “I hear you. I see you. I feel you. I am you,”
Repeat. And repeat again.
8. Talk about a plan, but don’t plan on showing any plan for a possible planning stage of a plan. Again, plan it out. Do not actually mention any plan.
Some may say this is similar to President Donald Trump’s rhetoric. Redirect.
Some may say this is similar to Kamala Harris’ Campaign. Redirect.
9. If students demand ICE stop collaborating with the Sheriff’s Office at the University, re-direct, and do not EVER address those demands. Do this ESPECIALLY if students have recently somehow demonstrated a strong hold of political power on your campus.
Good thing this has never happened.
10. Engage in steps 1-9 while using your “Seawolf Values,” Repeat.